“Imagine this pinch in your stomach, deep where your ovaries are. Mostly on the left side, sometimes on the right. It feels like my eggs are desperately trying to escape, but they can’t. Each attempt brings a sharp, pinching pain, often accompanied by a fever that lasts through the night.”
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After months of trying to stay afloat in the relationship, I finally decided to end it. I had been miserable for so long, drowning in sadness I couldn’t seem to escape. My partner didn’t know how to deal with my pain, and honestly, I couldn’t blame him — even I didn’t know how to handle it myself. Somewhere along the way, I became selfish. Everything revolved around my pain. Every action, every word, I justified by how much I was hurting. I didn’t care how anyone else felt; all I cared about was numbing the ache that lived inside me. And I knew everyone around me was feeling it with me, but not for me.
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Sometimes, when your world falls apart, you’re left with only two choices: succumb to the pain or rebel against it. We had just poured the foundation for our dream home. I could already picture it: a house filled with love, laughter, and the chaos of raising four kids. Yes, I wanted four kids. But all those dreams came crashing down in that one doctor’s visit.
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The HSG Procedure: My Personal Experience
The procedure itself was straightforward but life-changing. It took place in my gynecologist’s examination office and lasted roughly an hour, though it felt much longer. Here’s what happens during an HSG:
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It all started on January 26, 2016, a date forever etched in my memory. That was the day my dreams, as I knew them, ended and my life, as it is now, began. The morning was quiet, unassuming, but significant in a way I couldn’t have imagined. My partner and I had been undergoing treatment to get pregnant for months. It had been a journey of hope, fear, and countless appointments. That day, I was scheduled for a procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open.
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The days leading up to tomorrow have been hard, emotionally hard. I’ve been trying to stay afloat, to keep it all together, because life goes on. I wake up in the mornings and go to work, a job I genuinely enjoy going back to. I do the dishes, the laundry, and try my utmost best to manage the household I share with a wonderful husband. I feed Chubby, my sourdough starter, who is both spoiled and stubborn. I keep myself busy, learning new things, creating, doing my best to fill the void. But the harder I try not to think about it, the tears are always just a thought away.
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I often find myself frustrated over things that are not going my way, or the way I thought or expected it to. Some things are just taking too long, some people are just not cooperating, for some reason once again I feel like I’m stuck and whatever I try to do, I just can’t seem to change the current situation. I notice how I start feeling stressed and upset, impatient and start to be unkind not only towards others but also myself. Then it feels like the tip of my nose is almost reaching a very big wall (I’m saying almost because my belly touched the wall first LOL) and I can’t move past this wall, I can only move sideways. And I also do that for some time because maybe I will come across an opening.
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Somewhat 5 years ago I did a 10-day Vipassana meditation course. I have shared about this before in my blog “I am love” https://bunnyyogajourney.com/2019/04/11/i-am-love/#more-368 and I have lived by this ever since. What I did not share back then was what the course did for me in that moment. Probably because it was still too raw for me to share. I’ll see if I’m ready now…
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My boyfriend, (yes I have boyfriend now, I mean manfriend, since he’s not a boy anymore and I’m not a girl, so with that saying I’m his woman and yes I’m flaunting now, because why not, but right focus Sjefi! I haven’t shared much on my blog lately so I felt like I had to introduce him, but yeah I will continue this blog soon enough, as if right now)
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Having another episode of one of those seasons of a reality check called depression. Well let’s start on the bright side. Me writing this is me noticing it and looking it damn straight in the eye, saying ‘You sneaky little piece of the worst version of an unwelcome guest! I see you and I’ll treat you…’
Continue readingUntil Tuesday I had a cousin, a cousin who was born as my aunt her son, his big sister’s brother and one of my grandmother’s grandson. He was born the cutest little baby boy we called Jerome as kids. He was years younger so I remember my older cousin babysitting and my earliest memory of us was my cousin changing his diaper. I also remember doing homework with him and his sister, which I of course had no patience doing. But childhood memories are priceless.
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When I suddenly had to come back home after two years, I knew this was going to be a hard one. I was ready to come back home, but not so ready to actually be home. I knew that I had changed but maybe a lot of what I had left behind had stayed the same. I knew that even though quite impossible, I had to pick back up right where I left off. After a month I still felt restless, like I still hadn’t arrived, so I decided to book a trip to Voltzberg/Raleighvallen, because maybe I had to wash away the beach and the sea with Amazonian fresh water from a sula.
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Path To Self Discovery 